The Secrets of Noctis

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

The beginning:

The car vibrated to the slow drumming motion of it's engine and the four wheels it ran on. As I sat and stared out the window from the backseat, I heard nothing from the apparent radio; the moment was playing my own cinematic music, in my head, as I blanked myself from contemplation. My thoughts have lately increased, and even sleep was no compromise to the silence I am faced with everyday down the hall I am imprisoned in. Dutifully ?

The scenes outside were the same old and I only chanced to take the focus of my eyes towards some flourescent light that flickered in the distance. Confusingly it is not the first time I have looked at the rear view mirror wondering why I can't understand why my heart is so without realism and desire to be let go and run away from this time that is spent in vain.
I've started to pass on from what is unknown to me, as I never venture out to wander the streets like everyone else. Sometimes, I don't think I would ever know how to react or interact with anyone if I were to meet them. What is familiar to me is only the rise and fall of the sun, reminding me of the yesterday that I bled for thinking about the past, and where it has led to the present.
And yet now I remember the first time I saw Stella, it was an awkward surprise for her to be where I was. Lifeless words carried on between us, and I don't think she'll ever stop calling me Lord...and It is always me who leaves first, I know all I know and I do what I do and this war is not over...
Where we are going today, shows just how much hope remains for this to end...until this winding highway will disappear into the darkness as the sun goes down.
I spend this journey thinking about not thinking while my mind seems to like digging the graves of memory and drags the complexities of everyday like a song on constant playback.

About now I will forget what happened and bask in the interdependency of a reality check and the future in my mind while the brakes leave a track on the tarmac and I open my eyes.



ooc: written in p.o.v cause journals defeat him. lol

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

It's cold. Even the fur lining of this cover is cold. I don't see the sunrise today but it must be because the curtains are drawn...
Is it worth it to get out of this bed? I can feel the warmth of the pillow and the spot I'd been laying in throughout the night. Flipping the cover has brought this dreadful gust of a chill, and I notice the sounds coming from the hallway outside.

There was a sweeping noise, they must be cleaning the carpeted walkway and soon I'll be expected at the dining hall. There was some lightheaded dizziness; I see nothing for an instant and then shut my eyes so tightly to slowly wake up. The floor was warm with the heating, I can't help but think I should've slept on the floor instead, as I put my feet down together and looked around for the clock, squinting to prevent a yawn.

It was facing the other way, somehow I must have turned it away from me in the middle of the morning when I'd been unable to sleep, and was disturbed by the ticking noise of the antique. The large rotating mirror on the far side of the room reflected nothing, as I went over to the walk in area of the dressing area.
All I needed was a coat and opening it, I picked out the next one in line of the multiple uniforms designed for me and felt my messy hair fall over my nose. Turning my head, I could see myself in the mirror as it slowed and stopped spinning when I paid attention to it, automatically; I felt my eyebrows raise slightly and the expression change while it looked back at me.

And I know I am rejecting a love for life as I hang my head and walked away from the wardrobe that shut quickly behind me; my coat half zipped over the soft material of a shirt. In a few steps, I was more awake and in control of my limbs though I was exhausted from the uneasy sleep.

Needless to say, the minutes went as I made myself presentable enough to leave and satisfy my 'basic need to re-energise'. Which is a hassle... The gloves I'd unbuckled were slipped on as I fiddled with my attire, gazing aimlessly straight ahead.
By this time, I could no longer hear any faint sound outside, and it was almost safe...to be outside of the large doors that framed my room.
The sound of the lock clicking and the gothic door shutting never came, as I shifted and ignored the steps behind me and proceeded in the direction of where I was expected to be.

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

They were noticing how I picked at the food. Why they had to stand around in the shadowy corners patiently awaiting my summon for some service never ceases to frustrate me. It was bad enough I was watched while I eat, but when my eating time meant they had to wait instead of eating, didn't really bring people on good terms.

I shuffled my feet under the table, the noise of them sliding backwards under the heavy chair being the only other sound in the dining hall. It was unbearable but I should be used to it by now, though there are those days I wish to be left alone and their dismissal still made them paranoid so I have no choice... As if there would be some form of punishment if I did need service and received none. The silver plate was only half empty as I took time to reflect on these theories that often drew me into a reverie; my hand holding the abstract and polished fork brushed its surface smoothly over cream.

It had to stop here someday, I left the serviette by my side, on the table instead of letting it in contact of me, and only seemed to notice the creases of it's folds as my eyes drifted onto it. They knew I was musing as usual, but what of ...would only be a fantasy; I know this trance involved everything habitual and ...Vanille.

When there's no light to break up the dark, that's when I wished my pensiveness could save me. What I had done was an adventure, almost a fable or some sort of fairy tale if I even have the right to compare it with something I never knew of, more than its name. As I leaned back in the chair, my consciousness deviated for a split second as I was repositioning and it broke my stare into nothingness.
So this is what an infatuation is, an immature version of the greatest power ever known to be shared between races and our worlds, something called Love? Or am in a castle in the air; what I harboured for her in that moment she...kissed me... we...kissed? I can't explain.

The fork came in contact with my mouth just like her lips had, but it was a different sweetness, and I felt my face frown. My physical self didn't care about my mind anymore, and I placed the utensil on the plate with a clatter and sank even lower into the chair.

The cushioning was almost flattened, as I stretched my legs out completely unaware of how much longer this meal was taking compared to other days. "Tomorrow..." I'd said it without thinking, and glanced at the bewildered face of the neatly dressed serving lady who stood at my bidding. Now was the time to grab the serviette, shut my mouth and swipe across it. Folding it carelessly, I could've made the most uneasy exit I'd ever done, with my mind still baffled about what fluttering feeling had happened in me from when Vanille started crying to, when I...

"and Lightning..." Alright sometimes, I hated how only the distinguished parts of my memory popped out outside of chronological order I suddenly remembered her like she was standing in front of me and no matter how hard I try now, I just can't distort the image nor the icy presence of her. Perhaps she is like the map of the world that I can't read...

The chair screeched against the floor erupting a low resonance as I had to get away from it all... Treading out quickly through the two majestic ceiling height doors, I'd pushed so hard they swung then slammed to a close behind me, the secrets seem out of me...

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

A pool squirted like a jet streaming fountain from beneath my feet as I trudged over a puddle and the surface of the boots glossed over with liquid. I could see how wet the ground was, and the smell of dampness filled me from all around; it was no aroma but it was fresh and reminded me of the coming of winter.

It would be easier if it was dark already, but right now I need either consolation or solace in my moods. Everybody needs inspiration... And just when I begin to abstract myself from my past, I can see straight ahead, the emblem and crest of my father. Ah, what he would think of me now could be interesting...

As I turned, the gathered water on the ground, splashed slightly around the very edges of my coat; it was the wind that drifted past my legs that really brought the transparent beads to fly. It was instinct to lower my face, the best part of this coat was that it had such a high collar, I could cover myself from the blasts of ..pretty much anything.

The courtyard was deserted, with a couple of balconies overlooking solemnly; they were empty, ancient and had a gloomy appearance to them. Often, I felt this fortress resembled a Cathedral or one of those rare architectural buildings that still retained design from our past. As it was a courtyard, the decorative plants, strategically placed around to forever be transfixed...faced me from all directions whilst I strolled past them each day.

Getting to the farthest end from my entrance, I reached the centre of the sheltered desolate area and soaked up the drizzling, from the heavy clouds, that had restarted. Each grain of the drizzle fell on my shoulders, and dripped off. Do you feel it? The other conscience in me was beginning to take in what I physically experienced again, and I shook my head to clear it's voice; spraying some of the water off my hair in the process.

I am only ever here for a purpose, I won't forget that...and this place exposes me. My glove bristled against the skin of my wrist as I lifted my arm from my side, looking at the opposite end of the courtyard. My eyes were directed towards another exit that sat as a tunnel towards the wilderness of the back garden. I know, as a storm swooped down and through it, bringing along a dramatic hollow sound, that I was glorified by my weapons now in a glimmer of the discreet summoning.

Today, the ringed double edged knife fell from the sky as I randomised a pick while they spun above me. As soon as I felt it's grip, my spirits were lifted and the blade was ready to perform it's neat choreography. No thoughts came to my head now, as I wielded it and exchanged hands between weaving an invisible drawing in the space around me. The sounds of their bullets... the noise of their cries...

Senses...the sounds of my memories played to me as the double edges wheeled in a circular motion like a turbine and I found myself speeding towards a wall...of which I took three steps up and back flipped down. The world looked wholly different...in that split second perspective; everything was rotated, and then returned to normal...
The landing only provided more splatters as I looked down at the ground, adjusting my breathing to the pulsating beat in my fingers. There was the warmth that countered the cold which fogged air when I blew and I thinned myself out of there to be staring down the shadows of the high tunnel.

A bitter blast of wind rustled the leaves of the tallest tree that shaded me and they started to fall like snowflakes and dead flowers. I counted mentally, calm as I looked up to admire it all then closed my eyes to be one with the moment. It was only when a feather fell as a large bird flew away from a hidden nest that my quiet pleasure ended and I saw it smoothly drop and swung my blade across it. Holding out my head, it had split in half and gathered in my palm while the rain began to pour. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming... I wanted to stay like this, as a flash of lightning cracked along the skyline and the thunder whipped after it and brushed water off my face with the back of my hand.

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

Bright colours were faded, and blended with each other to form other shades. The hues were lighter and yet had no greater contrast with their primary tone. These were the shadows that loomed from the glass above me, as I sat in the centre of the great hall.
They were the reflections of glass that had once been an art form to beautify this room. I find them now, the only entertainment here other than my own fantasies. Shapes didn't appear, it was only light flowing across the polished black marble floor; ocassionally they distorted as the sun moved across the sky outside and they passed over the angles of the steps leading up to this throne.

If ever there was better reason than to be gloomy and keep my vision downcast, this was one of them. I find that no one approaches me as I am here. There are numerous echoes bouncing off the walls in the rooms and hallways around this one but none entered here.

There were those who were curious, and yet fearful of the silence and isolation I appear to enjoy as I frequently come to be pensive; it is a place that feeds my mind.
Ever since I have known the existence of Fal'Cie and the special one that Lightning posesses power to, I have been disturbed.
It is vital that I get to the history of this as soon as possible, for there will be less time again soon. The attacks still cycle once in awhile, and I have presumed they time it in order to recruit and gather allies or make plans to distribute what they may conquer. This city has been at war for many cold years, and yet I have not finally ended it.

This chair, though majestic is hard and flat; it always ends up that I slip further and further down into it just to make myself comfortable. It's not even a matter of shifting weight, but the fact that if I don't move I would be a statue. Crossing my leg, I could always then feel the movement bring back a tingling sensation relative to having my blood circulation cut off and released again.

It has been weeks since I last entered here. The last time after the soldiers barricaded the entire entrance of this building. Their firearms were pathetic, and my only carelessness was that I hadn't seen the bazooka, bombs, canons, whatever they could find... coming.
Everything just rained on me and I often wonder just how battered my corpse would be had I not shielded myself. It was tiring, and I had felt my head as heavy on my shoulders back then, as I do now. It is the deja vu of resting and supporting it with my hand and then remaining motionless for the rest of my free hours, sleeping in between... Though my eyes remain closed throughout, I know I am so accustomed to it that subconsciously I answer that I am thinking if the question of what I was doing was ever thrown at me.

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

The ground was trembling like a mild earthquake was passing. I never knew the impact and velocity of the train caused this until now, as I stay just a while longer in my solitude on the platform that overlooks the crossing highways and invisible streets for the traffic in the air.

All around me are foreign faces, and worn out places. It was never bright and early here, but people in this bustling life were ready to go about their daily races. Scenes unfold before me as children shriek and scream with each other, run to their mothers and I turn away bewildered at their upbringing. Had I been allowed such playfulness and a childish carefree spirit, would I be where I am today?

Flashes of my lectures, of my sadness and the parting of gifts that were sent to me, seemed to put me in nostalgia as the audio replay of the transport systems brought me back to the strict education.
Nothing could go wrong back then, my social circles were small but tight and everyone I could see, from the height I had been back then, respected each other with a pact they made in blood and ink.
The ink, no longer a drawing that it could've been on the human skin, was then black and white text and a glistening chip embedded within each person to identify them as individuals. I recall thinking of finding myself if I had been in such a way, tagged like an animal.

Noctis, the light ...you see the light, is what I think my alter ego speaking out to me sounded as I look towards the end of the station, I think of leaving but have no where else to go and as I near this exit. I see iron crossed gates pulled over each other to barricade it as the scene beyond is pieced together like a cut up photograph. The dark round surveillance camera above my head could see the full me locked in aimlessness.

[Noctis Lucis Caelum]

Since the last time I'd seen the council's meeting, I've had many eventful times...
Sephiroth... Zack... Squall... Cloud and Tifa... Lightning... Snow and Serah... Xion... the list goes on...
Everyone... my best friend... my enemy... was opening my eyes to darkness and light in a monotone different from my world... the world inside me...
Standing here to look at the black marble division splitting across the massive long table has brought back memories and more troubles. Tomorrow will be the day they hold another parlaying chat here and I have requested to make a presence to speak... it is much to their surprise and my own that i've been allowed to join... It's never been easy to sit here at this end when all faces and eyes scowl at you and jump with sharp revocation whenever something I said had loopholes. From then onwards, I've been a pawn in my own right to follow the orders to fight when I need to... and disappear as they know I want to...

Stella has been in this house for a night now and I haven't had enough gathered to know how she is... What happened, I've pushed out of my head as far as I can... Sometimes I wonder whether it was right and should I have shunned her, could she have ended her misery to follow her father's teachings with a pure heart against me? It is not too late to change that now if I were to take back my word... she would hate me and I, myself... I supposed it would be my last resort, to free her from chaining herself to my inadequacies... if this feud really cannot be settled... I can bear it alone as always...

This helplessness... I've grown frail to emotions, and succumbed to feelings more than the barricading of them which could have made me stronger. If I face this council without the iron will, what disasters would come... and yet I feel my statements are softer than what they could've been if I believed in myself...?

What Storm said was right, she didn't belong here but was it so wrong to make adjustments after all that had happened... we have been taught to adapt and change to survive and yet we are constantly made to fail those teachings by negatively consuming ourselves in predictions that mean impossibilities...

I've looked down this path... this marble... slabbed in grey patterns and the candleless chandeliers... many a time when it is empty... now it is not my father at the head of the table, and it has been reoccupied, not by me...? where I went wrong with this was my lack of passion for their enforcement against the Fleurets... and now it is going to be more apparent that internal disagreements are going to erupt over my judgment... it will be dubbed and passed as a notion selfishly based on morals that I felt was right... it is not the council's morals though... and ...what it matters to me that Stella has a life to rebuild...

Mine is gone... and somewhere I fear that I cannot do justice to what I'm meant to. A rebellion perhaps, they will see this as...
and dragging Storm into it will do no better... though he represents the voice of the people we claim to protect... Am I not a prince only by their allowance...? When this all crumbles, it will be nothing but that crystal... and I'm starting to think it is only a crystal... our humanity has been ridden by greed and the power that I see as a problem... I will be a problem...

As if rehearsing myself in preparation would calm my nerves, I have realised that there are things I cannot overcome... this stage fright is everything different to facing a war... I cannot die from it, but I can also not live it down...
Her feelings for me must never be revealed to them... though then, how can I share everything to Storm and I want to...? Eventually, it will seep through to him... he can see my inner turmoil as if passes the pores of my skin... my worries and my introversion... It has never been more difficult to stand up to all of it... was I wrong to cave in before now, to become this insecure, unassertively shy person... filled with the reluctance to admit that I am not who I am to most people, and that they will never understand me... even when there is hope they could.

A whisper of these things that prove I speak to myself... I need to be free of this infecting desire to change what cannot be done... and I've lost who I am ... I can't understand why my heart is so broken, rejecting their love... my companions and their dreams...her love... and what could be of my love... if I could find it... without love going wrong... expressions of such ...still are mere life less words that carry on waiting for me...

The unavoidable numbness wraps it and stows it away somewhere in the drawers of my soul... I write the notes to direct everything I cannot say... what makes it so hard for me to exist in normalcy is this fear I twist into habit... it feeds on me like a curse, one that I don't know how to live without...

Attempts will resolve nothing, and this draining despair I fall in over my confusion with the woman I admire from another world, has contented me to always be abnormal... should Storm know of these back and worth arguments I have over my own self, he would sigh... and what more is there to dabble with complications in feelings that require reciprocation and entire dedication I am not fond of giving... neither can I return in the conventional way...
Stella... I grow to feel she deserves better than the revel with me... not knowing I am like this but forced to accommodate my refusal to show her every shred of my care for her... in the end, I can only save myself? Do I even want to... live like I'm dying tomorrow...Love like I've never been hurt... and try as if I'll never fail... what dreams, I can't help but throw out onto a rubbish pile...

Tomorrow is resolute, when I am here again, it will be the today that I've been waiting for yesterday... fluid in the light of things, where I'm going... what they will be forced to know will slide as they can't face what they don't want to...
I need to clear my way... as orchestrated as the burning of me to dust and ashes, the million degrees of trouble inside... I have no ambulance to call to me... and a fire department is too far from all... where am I coming from ... to go... their anger will be ablaze... but to know for myself if I am not alone, will recolour the bruising I feel from the blue of the burning pressure...